Motherhood is intimidating… let’s poke it with a stick.

I usually do things backwards.

Fall in love before we date, sell the art before it’s made, eat the cookie while I cook… why shouldn’t motherhood be added to the list?

I didn’t jump on the marriage and baby train in my twenties. I watched that train go by with all it’s bells and whistles, I applauded it’s efforts, sent cheers to it with my martini, sarcastically tweeted my sarcastic opinions, and while my eyebrows may have cringed at the sight of all that white and purity and love… the little girl in my heart always hoped for her own ‘someday.’

But don’t tell anybody.

All I’ve ever wanted to do is paint, create, and laugh. I do whatever it takes to make sure I can do those three things, whatever menial side job, whatever intense gig, whatever hours, and whatever days–so long as I get to paint, create, and laugh it’s all been worth it.

I’ve clawed grease out of ventilation fans with a butter knife at midnight for minimum wage.

I’ve served hot soup to hotheads with a smile for tips.

I’ve cracked open bottle after bottle in smokey bars for alcoholics.

I’ve taught art class to middle school kids who can’t believe the talents in their pencils.

I’ve painted things that I can’t stand for very little money because I love the person who asked for it.

So here we are at my newest job–growing a human.

I’m 34 and 25 weeks pregnant.

I’m “advanced maternal age” and unwed.

I’m recently dumped by the kiddo’s father and living with my mother, my brother, and his little boy in our childhood home.

I’m fighting antenatal anxiety and depression with all my might and I’m writing and drawing and creating through it and it needs it’s own backwards plot on the internet to exist.

So here we are at my newest side job–Mother…Still Expecting.